Day 18!

I’ve written about my depression before but not shared too much about it, mainly because it’s not that interesting or exciting, because well, it’s depressing. i spent most of my teenage years into my twenties clinically and severely depressed. who knows really what caused it, it could have been the chronic pain caused my endometriosis, it could have been my genetics, it could have been the food i was eating…it could have been any number of things. the fact was i was depressed. i contemplated suicide many times. my journals and art were filled with intense images of sadness and despair. i went and saw many psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists – i talked and talked and sometimes i didn’t. sometimes i just cried. sometimes i didn’t want to talk anymore. i was put on medication – of all sorts. to help me sleep, to help my brain change, to help me be happy. some of them worked, some didn’t.

i’m not entirely sure what changed. was it the control of my life that i had been seeking? was it a new therapist that taught me how to look for people who were honest and straightforward? was it the boundaries that i created that kept me safer? was it the goals that were bigger than anything i had ever dreamt of? was it achieving those goals alongside a group of friends that supported me all along? i don’t really know. but just as i’m not sure of the cause of my depression, i’m not really sure of what keeps me from falling down the rabbit hole again.

and because of this, anytime i feel panicked or overly stressed or overly sad, i use one of my coping tools that are healthy – i seek out a friend or friends to move with, i cook a healthy meal filled with colors, i make something or i just cry it out – if these feelings continue longer than i feel comfortable with i call my therapist knowing that i can talk to someone who is just a witness to all of it.

so today, i’m grateful for my depression. it has shaped my life in a way that i never thought possible – for the positive. it has taught me how to seek out positivity and support.

if you are depressed, please seek out help from someone, anyone. feel free to contact me.

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