equilibrium

twenty-one years ago i woke up and couldn’t walk

this time of year creates a sort of d_i^se^q_ui_li^b_ri^um in my being. is it the shift in barometric pressure as the seasons shift into a coolness?

nine years ago my wife and i decided to get divorced.

the natural world is telling me to hibernate and rejuvenate until the spring. 

five years ago my boyfriend left me.

weighted blankets, homeopathic anxiety pills, and acupuncture are bandaids to this much larger issue. 

last year my brain wouldn’t stop while i was supposed to be sleeping.

maybe these same things are occurring before this time period and i just don’t feel it as much because the sun is shining and I’m getting an ample supply of vitamin d.  

the past month i have had debilitating anxiety manifesting in chest pain.

i’m told to leave my job, leave my partner, leave my life. i’m not sure those are solutions.

having solutions and decisions made creates an ease in my mind. 

decisionsmademeanactionmustbetaken.

the constant questioningruminationdesireforgrowth is making it harder and harder to _breathe

the methods from the past aren’t possible anymore.

am i impeding the ease because i have taken these methods off the table?

would having a drink or two or ^ten relieve this pressure in my chest? 

would sleeping _{(with a stranger)} allow me to escape from the obsessions? 

how does one shut this off?