it takes a village

the past 3 days have been tough. mentally tough, physically tough. on saturday i did a 4.75 speed run, whole body strength workout and then an endurance swim of 1900 yds.  the swim was active recovery, it felt great. and i ate and ate saturday. then on sunday i rode 3:35, yup that’s 3 hours and 35 minutes. and jesus it was hard. i did the first 2:15 alone. s came down to check on me around 2 hours and i wanted him to stay downstairs. then walter and jen showed up. and they got me through it. they didn’t say much. they weren’t pushing me the way jas does or keeping me positive the way sunshine does. we just chatted for awhile – me struggling with small talk while pushing myself mentally through the ride, until i went silent. i couldn’t find any more words. i kind of wanted to cry but forced myself for once to keep the tears in because i knew i wouldn’t be able to explain it to them. i couldn’t explain the tears to myself. those final 15 minutes were an eternity of intervals. i wasn’t cursing anyone (not even coach k) i just kept thinking i can do this, i’m not going to quit, this won’t break me. then i ate and ate and ate sunday and laid on the couch. this morning’s wake up call at 4 am was tough and i fought with myself at the alarm clock deciding if i should go swim knowing how hard it was going to be if i went but also knowing how hard the week would be if i had to fit in another swim somewhere. so i went. and of course it was hard. it was good hard though. it wasn’t hard like i wanted to quit. it was hard like i wanted to kill that swim. i hit every interval. my lats were screaming at me as i pulled. my glutes were yelling as i kicked with fins. my core was on fire as i finished 2800 yds with one armed fly 25s.

but now i’m struggling. struggling to figure out how to put more food into my body. how to combine foods to increase nutrients and calories. how to be mindful with my hydration so i don’t have to play catch up. how to pull my village tighter. how to ask for the support i need. how do i balance everything? when i did my first marathon a woman in front of me was wearing a shirt that said something to the effect of “this is my victory lap” – and as i look to the months ahead i am already planning such a fabulous victory lap in lake placid. it will be a bit longer than my marathon lap but it’ll be worth it.

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