some weeks i feel like superwoman – i’m able to get all my workouts in and get every set complete and feel like a badass, i can teach and be amazing, i can be social and friendly. then other weeks i feel like i did before, lame and fat – this week was that week in a nutshell.
i actually got the majority of my workouts in – all of them in fact except a long run which was a huge stress to me, until almost 10 minutes ago. i kept moving it and trying to figure out how to make it work, but it didn’t and couldn’t. i finally just let it go (read this post if you haven’t alreadyhttps://lizziefortin.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/letting-go/) knowing that i need to get my food situation in check ASAP. after my post about fueling and food, i began to feel fat – i don’t think i looked fat but i certainly felt fat, like a beached whale. why do we as women go to this negative place in our brains so frequently? for the past 2.5 years, i’ve been pretty confident in my body and very confident in the food that i put into my body, i know that i’m not a size 2 and i know that i don’t have visible ab muscles AND that’s ok. i don’t know why this past week it got to me.
so i started eating less – which in turn made me crankier, made me lethargic, made me start to question everything. everything. should i even keep training? i’m never going to be able to finish this race anyways. should i quit my job? i’m not very good at it anyways. should i break up with s? he doesn’t’ like me much. what.the.fuck? seriously. this is just unnecessary. all of it. and i know this. and for me, it all goes back to the food. IT ALWAYS GOES BACK TO THE FOOD.
so. i’m starting over.
i am letting go of my long run like you let go of a helium balloon outside on a sunny day. you watch it go and then it disappears. it’s sad and stressful at first, but then you realize there’s nothing you can do anyways to make it come back except move forward, the balloon won’t come back, but your life will continue.
and so it has. i’m thinking i need to make a meal plan for the month. that seems like a ton of planning but i think it’s the only way i can do this. i need to think realistically about the help i need from people, especially s. and then ASK for that help. i need to sleep more. i need to plan for social things so i don’t feel so alone. this is my action plan for the next week. figure out how to make everything work so i don’t lose everything because i turn into a raving bitch when i don’t eat and am training. none of this is worth it if i alienate myself completely. but it is worth it if i can be me and complete this race. which i will do.