letting go

early morning swim
early morning swim

sometimes the same phrase or theme shows up numerous times. sometimes i disregard the message quickly. sometimes it resonates so loudly and then the repetition of this theme becomes so loud there is nothing i can do but reflect and make changes. that message of late has been “to let go.” 

a month or so ago at camp, it was my annual “face my fear of heights” day, where i climb a telephone pole and then take a leap of faith and zipline across the turf field. normally this is pretty emotional and slightly traumatic but it also is invigorating and a reminder that i can be brave. this year i was feeling pretty confident, well, until i started climbing. i climbed up that wiggly scary as hell pole and cheryl was on the top. she talked me up and switched the lock things (i’m sure there’s an official term for that, but i have no idea). and then all i needed to do was “let go” and then i could zip. and i couldn’t. actually i couldn’t even let go of the stupid pole. i was so scared. i couldn’t begin to explain that fear. cheryl was telling me all sorts of positive lovely things. tears streamed down my face as campers and other staff were yelling up positive things. but i knew it couldn’t happen that day. i just couldn’t let go of my fear, of my safety. i didn’t trust myself. it was frustrating but i knew i couldn’t push myself in that moment. 

then on monday i went to yoga with walter. the class’ focus was on balance (another thing i struggle with so much in every area of my life). at one point in the class we were attempting a pose i had never done before, the crow. walter made it look so easy – you just bend your arms and then rock forward, pick one leg up and place it on your tricep, then the other leg, “you just let go.” and again. i couldn’t. i was frozen. frozen with this fear of myself. that somehow i didn’t trust myself to hold myself. as if i would drop me on purpose. just thinking about this seems ludicrous and yet, i couldn’t lean forward. walter came over and changed my body position where i was able to move closer towards the pose. 

and today, while with a few members of the art department. we were discussing some changes each of us were to make this year. and i discussed some of the changes i was thinking of making. these changes within my classroom will allow for my student choice and also allow for deeper student learning and expression. as we discussed these changes, i said aloud, “if i can just let go, it will be successful.”

and there it was. “if i can just let go, it will all be successful.” everything. if i can abandon my constant need to control every aspect, every area, every moment, life will be successful. life is pretty successful right now and if i can learn to release this control, at least some of the time, some of my frustrations with silly things will disappear. 

you may be asking, where does this come from? what does it have to do with your race? or anything at all other than you rambling?

sunday is race day. sunday is the fruition of my work and efforts for the past 9 months or so. you’d think i would have my lists completed, my bags packed, my timeline created for every moment of friday – sunday. and i don’t. i actually pulled out my list from patriot today. TODAY. and began pulling a few things out to pack. i do have most of my fuel made but i still haven’t done another count. and somehow i know that it will all be ok. that not knowing EXACTLY when i will arrive in new hampshire on friday. or when i’ll wake up. or when i’ll eat dinner. all of those things are ok. i mean, it’s not letting go of that pole to zip, or truly trusting myself to go into crow, but it’s pretty close. that i trust that my training and fueling and journalling will ensure all things get to new hampshire and if not, then someone will bring me something, or i’ll do without. that i’m ok with how sunday goes – however it goes. because in the end, if i put the work in, it’ll show with the success of the day. 

“if i can just let go, it will be successful.” 

my secret

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