I haven’t posted in awhile. Not because I haven’t been grateful for anything, quite the opposite, been filled with gratitude for so many things and so many people in my life. Just haven’t felt like being so public with all of my gratitude, until now.
I finished my second complete marathon (yes, 26.2 miles, for fun) a week and half ago. Those miles, the length of time left alone with my thoughts and my memories is like an elaborate meditation. All of my demons rise up and then I am able to quiet them through that meditation. And I feel that quite possibly I am close to defeating those demons from the past. But they’re not ready to be defeated, they are on the surface, raw and ready to keep me down. This time of year is also particularly difficult to be trying to fight and conquer my demons as well, since so many of my memories of this time of year have been difficult.
Back to gratitude. After having run the Philadelphia Marathon, I was filled with gratitude for the people in my life who have led me onto this path (Jane, Andy, Kate, Kerin, Sean, Kim, Lauren) but also for those who “drove” me to this path (my parents, my family, Kris, my endometriosis, my depression, my fears). The balance of the good and the bad in my life keeps things in check. And when the bad begins to weigh me down or make things difficult again I know that the scales will balance out and the good will shine through. And I had a difficult week following the race, as was expected. People don’t like to talk about the sadness and difficulty that follows a race or even the achievement of a huge goal – but I see it in myself every time. After that achievement, although I am filled with pride and happiness, I am also a bit lost. I no longer have that drive or that purpose. I also have a plummet from the extreme pride and happiness, it’s the balance. Even with that difficulty following the race, counting my blessings, seeing how far I’ve come from 3 years ago, my wonderful friends who stepped up and loved me even when it was difficult balanced out the scales and made things normal again.
So on this Thanksgiving, when everyone is being thankful for the food on their table and their family surrounding them – I am thankful and immensely grateful for the balance in life.