“Kids don’t learn from folks they don’t like.” Rita Pierson says this in her tedtalk. Two new studies show the power of teacher-student relationships. I personally think that relationships with kids are the most powerful predictor of student success. We hear these things all the time and I think for the most part most teachers think they have good relationships with kids, although I still hear a lot of the time, “I’m not here to be friends.” “I don’t care if they like me or not.” “I don’t want to see my students on the weekends.” “They don’t need to know what I like or don’t like, it’s about the content.” And anytime I hear these or some other version of these statements – I hear the relationships with kids aren’t actually important. So how do you begin to shift those feelings? What are the ways to do that?
Here’s my top 10 list of ways to have powerful relationships with kids (that actually shift their learning):
Number 1: Actually LIKE Your Students
This might sound like a no brainer but you should like all your students. Not just the easy to like ones or the ones who don’t interrupt you. Honestly, those kids are liked by all their teachers, even ones who don’t really like kids at all. You gotta like the ones that are “hard” – the ones who come in late, the ones who throw stuff, the ones who curse at you, the ones who sleep. These are the kids that you need to like and when you put that work in, the other kids, you know the ones everyone automatically likes, they notice that too. (The other stuff in this list is really for the “hard” kids)
Number 2: LISTEN to them
This one is hard in general for people, especially adults. But just shut up and listen to what they’re saying. When you ask them how their day is, wait to hear the answer, and wait some more, and ask them some follow up questions. When you stop and listen to kids, you find out who they really are, not the outer shell they wear so you won’t stop and listen. Listening helps with finding out about Number 4 too.
Number 3: Actually Listen to them and put those things into action
If you ask students to give you feedback (which you should be), then you have to actually put the feedback into action. You can’t ask them what they want to shift or change and then not do it. Nothing makes people less likely to trust you than when you ask their opinion and then don’t change. Change is hard, I know, and if you ask and listen to their feedback and then shift things, even when it’s hard, students trust that you’re actually listening.
Number 4: Show up to the things they do
Show up to stuff. It can be difficult with our busy lives to show up to our students’ “things” – but honestly, if you can show up to even one sporting event per season, it does numbers for your relationships with students. I tell students that I need 24 hours advance notice for events – so I have to have at least a day to plan for their stuff. I try to go to basketball games, football games, volleyball games, and outside of school things.
A bit of extra credit is to invite them to things you do. For example, when I was having an opening at a local gallery, I invited all of my classes to the opening and to the Artist Talk I was giving. Some of the students came and were able to peek into who I am as an artist and human.
Number 5: Tell them about yourself
This doesn’t mean to tell them your life story or to make everything about you – because it’s not. But letting them know things about you – your experience in high school, your college, what you do for fun, what books you’re reading, who your favorite artist is, what music you’re listening to right now. This is the stuff they like. They want to see you as human. Now it gets easy to get carried away with this because you have a semi-captive audience and our ego wants to share. But truly, don’t. Tell students a bit, but always relate it back to them. I normally share things in one sentence and then ask them a follow up question to bring the focus back to the student.
Number 6: Greet them everyday
This was the easiest thing for me to do after reading Harry Wong‘s First Days of School my first year teaching. Greet them everyday, every period at the door. Now this takes some specific, proactive, strategic planning in order to this. This means you’re prepared for each class BEFORE each class. It means your materials are ready to go before the bell rings. It also means you’re aware of the time and you can close your lessons and say goodbye to each kid, while also saying hi to the next group. Every day, every class. You’d be surprised at how much kids love and notice this.
Number 7: Talk to every kid, every day
Now I can hear you, I have SO MANY students, how can I talk to every kid, every day? Well first, if you greet every kid, every day, you’ve already done it. And if you plan your lessons well, you’re not talking much. Some days I talk too much, but most days I’m talking less than 8 minutes in a whole class way and having students workshop stuff out or talking to kids in a small group or individual way. When you work to do this, students are instantly more engaged, you’re aware of who’s struggling and who’s not, and you create a stronger bond with the students.
Number 8: Be yourself and celebrate your quirks.
This is related to sharing about yourself. But this is about being yourself. Let me tell you a quick story. I have this ridiculously awesome cat sweater – it’s the ultimate teacher sweater. The cats are raised and have these striped tails. It makes me laugh. I wore it when I taught elementary school and it always brightened my day. When I moved to high school, my friends told me that I’d get beat up for wearing it. So I didn’t for awhile. But then I was having a string of difficult days, I talked to one of my students about the sweater and he was like you should wear it. So I did. Most of the kids didn’t even notice it, but a few did and we had a laugh and it truly brightened my day. The kids loved that I was me and a bit weird.
So embrace your weirdness, your quirks, and laugh a bit with the kids.
Number 9: Share your failures.
This one is so hard for the ego and difficult for the educator who believes they should be infallible. But how do we get students to embrace their failures and learn to overcome them without modeling that? So share them. Share how hard it was to study for the GRE and pass it. Share how much difficulty you’re having understanding a new concept you’re supposed to teach. Share how you struggle with balancing work life and home life. Again, this isn’t a therapy session, but a chance to model the growth mindset and how to overcome failure.
Number 10: Actually LOVE your job.
This job is literally the best. We get to spend every day with kids doing amazing work. If that’s not awesome, I don’t know what is. I also know that this job isn’t for everyone. It is hard. It is a struggle at times. And when you love it, it shines out of you and kids see this and your relationship is immediately stronger.
lizzie fortin 
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